


The Ballad Of Bob Being Single During Warped Tour

by maybegasoline



Category: Bandom, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-15
Updated: 2012-04-15
Packaged: 2017-11-03 17:20:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/383962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maybegasoline/pseuds/maybegasoline
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The worst part about the My Chem tour bus is that there are always men making out in it. Set during the Summer of Like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Ballad Of Bob Being Single During Warped Tour

The worst part about the My Chem tour bus is that there are always men making out in it.

It wasn't so bad in the beginning, back when it was still just Gerard and Frank, but since Warped Tour started it has gotten A LOT worse and Bob is starting to question his sanity. 

Because it's not only Gerard and Frank anymore. Now, it's his whole damn band, and the whole damn tour. It's _Mikey_ , and that disgustingly annoying and strange Wentz from Fall Out Boy. It's one of their roadies and that guy from The Bled. It's Patrick Stump and whichever cute, awkward boy he can manage to charm, and it's fucking _anyone_ with fucking _anyone_ and Bob doesn't understand why _every_ gay couple on this fucking tour needs to come to _his_ bus to get off. 

Ray is the only one who hasn't yet been corrupted (and God _forbid_ Gerard ever finds out that Bob actually described homosexuality with the c-word, anyway, it's not like he _meant_ it), but it's not good enough. Though Ray has never been caught feeling up another dude in the bus lounge, he _still_ doesn't count as valid heterosexual support, because he won't get out of the back studio, like, _ever_ and Bob thinks he's a coward.

He doesn't have a problem with the whole gay thing - you CAN'T have a problem with anything that isn't heteronormativity if you're going to be in a band with Gerard Way - but it's bothering him that a, everywhere he goes there is live gay porn, and b, everyone's getting laid but him.

But really, what can he do about it? There is a total of no girls on Warped Tour whatsoever, and it's not like he's the kind of guy to do a Mikeyway and get a flamboyant sissy boyfriend just because of the lack of female action he's suffering. (That's quite honestly the only reason he can think of for anyone ever willingly being in a relationship with Pete Wentz.) 

~ ~ ~ ~ 

“Oh, Frankie, baby, yes –“

Bob cannot sleep. It’s impossible.

“Gee, fuck yeah, right _there_ –“

They’ve really crossed the line this time.

“Come for me, Frankie, come on –“

They’re having sex in the bunk on top of Bob’s. Fucking assholes.

“Yes, Gerard, fucking hell, _Christ_ –“

Bob tries to hide under his pillow, but it’s to no use. Their moans and gasps creep into his bunk anyway and he wants to puke. He kicks the ceiling hard, and they giggle above him.

“I think Bob can hear us,” he hears Gerard whisper, and then the rhythmical thumping continues, now accompanied with giggles as well.

“I don’t really care,” Frank moans through a laugh and Bob kicks their bunk hard again.

“I HATE YOU!” he roars, and he also hates that there’s no one here he can complain to, because Mikey is off at Fall Out Boy’s bus and Ray is choosing the back studio over sleep.

“Fuck, _Gerard_ –“, Frank shouts when he comes, and then there are wet noises and Bob just knows they’re sucking face. 

‘How is this my life?’ he wonders quietly to himself and clasps his hands tightly over his ears, because he knows from experience that Gerard is loud and shrieky when he comes.

~ ~ ~ ~

That morning when Bob wakes up, Mikey and Wentz come stumbling into the bus hand in hand looking drowsy and tired, Patrick and some dude Bob doesn’t know following tight in their footsteps. 

“Hey dude,” says Mikey and lifts his chin at Bob, and Wentz hums a happy tune. Bob hates him.

Patrick and his new boytoy - at least that’s what Bob assumes he is - plop down on the couch and begin making out immediately, and Bob scrunches up his nose into a grimace and puts on a pot of coffee. It is way too early in the morning for this kind of shit.

“Come on, Mikey,” says Wentz excitedly and tugs on his hand, “let’s go to your bunk!”

“Gerard and Frank are already in the bunk room”, Bob has to point out, and Mikey shrugs. 

“We’ll go to the back lounge then,” he says dismissively and they both turn to leave, giggling as they push through the bunk room to the other side of the bus. Bob groans in discomfort and sneaks a peek at Patrick and his dude, and they’ve already gotten to third base.

“Dude,” he says, “why can’t you just do that in your own bus?”

Patrick tears himself free from the other guy to reply. “I like your couch better!”, and then he goes back to business.

And from the bunk room seeps slowly out moaning noises, rustling noises and giggling noises, and Bob hates Gerard and Frank. And then there’s a high pitched shout from the back of the bus, “OH, PETEY!”, and Bob hates Mikey too.

Realizing that there is nowhere to hide, there are gay dudes having sex _everywhere_ in the bus, he grunts and leaves the bus, slamming the door behind him. Warped Tour sucks.

~ ~ ~ ~

When Bob gets back to the bus after a (very heterosexual and masculine) round at a couple of local bars with Worm, Gerard and Frank are curled up on the couch on the bus, watching The Lion King. Or, well, _Frank_ is watching The Lion King, and Gerard is snoring softly in his lap. Bob says hi, and Frank shoots him an angry glare.

"Hush, he's sleeping," says Frank and strokes Gerard's hair softly out of his eyes, the irritation washed out of his face and replaced with a content smile the very second he looks back at his sleeping boyfriend, and Bob grunts and hurries into the bunk room, away from all the sugary-sweet domesticity.

He shimmies off his jeans and crashes into his bunk, but rolls out again onto the floor as quickly as he got in.

He switches the tiny light on in the bunk with a shaking hand, and tries to take a deep, calm breath before sitting up and inspecting his leg carefully, because something is gross and not right. And there’s a white blob on the back of his thigh, that is sticky and disgusting and when Bob dips his finger into it and smells it he almost pukes because OH MY GOD it cannot be what he thinks it is. He peeks into the bunk again and sees the white spot on the duvet, and it’s so gross he can barely stand it. And then he rises from the floor instantly and stomps out into the lounge again, and smears the icky white goo angrily over Frank’s cheek.

“Eww,” Frank protests, “what the fuck, man?”, and he does not have the fucking right to be grossed out by this.

“MY BUNK,” Bob yells and Gerard jerks awake in Frank’s lap, “IS A SEX FREE ZONE, IERO!!”, and he can feel a throbbing vein almost popping out of his forehead and all the blood in his body feels like it’s rushed to his head, and Gerard and Frank just giggle.

“We noticed,” Frank grins, “and we felt bad for you so we thought we’d do something about that.”

“You’re welcome,” Gerard giggles, and Bob wants to kill them both.

“I hate you!” he roars and flicks them both hard over their heads, before turning on his heel and slamming the door behind him to the bunk room. He crashes into Ray’s bunk instead, since it’s the only one that people don’t fuck in all the time, and he damns all gay sissies in his band and on this tour to hell because they are seriously ruining his life.

~ ~ ~ ~

Bob can deal with the gross displays of public affections all around him. He can deal with being the only one who’s not getting laid. He can deal with finding jizz in his bed (well, no, he really can’t), but he can’t deal with constantly being fucking hungry. Because for some reason, whenever Wentz comes over he eats all the fucking poptarts in the MCR fridge, and no matter how many times Bob yells at him he just doesn’t get it. 

Bob has tried everything. He has tried writing his damn name on the packages. He has tried threatening to kill Mikey. He has tried smearing strawberry jell-o all over Wentz’s bass strings. And he has tried getting up extra early in the mornings to get to the fridge before Wentz and Mikey have even woken up, but it’s to no avail. For some reason, the fridge is always empty when he opens it, and Wentz always pops out of bed with a poptart already in hand, and it’s like he has a secret stash in Mikey’s bunk! But that isn’t really sanitary and while Bob thinks Wentz is a total moron he doesn’t think even he would do something like that, but fact remains that Wentz is sneaky and Bob will not have this.

When he goes back to the bus after soundcheck to have a drink of water and maybe a little snack, Mikey and Wentz have already beat him there. They’re lying on the couch, all tangled up with each other and making gross wet noises, and Bob tries not to look at them. He goes over to the fridge to see if there is anything worth eating, and to his surprise there actually is one poptart left. He grabs it and pulls off the wrapping paper (it’s already opened but he doesn’t care), and he takes a bite and it tastes almost normal. Except it’s a little wetter and grosser than usual.

“Wentz,” he growls, mouth full of goo, “what have you done to my food?”

Wentz giggles and pulls his mouth away from Mikey’s. “Licked it,” he says cheerily and Bob spits out his mouthful in surprise. Disgusting.

“You suck,” he says angrily and throws the rest of the poptart at Wentz, who only giggles until Mikey drags him down for another kiss. Then the gross wet noises are back again and Bob can’t stand it, so he leaves, slamming the door behind him once again.

He leans against the bus, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm down. He lights a cigarette and takes a few drags, trying not to feel sorry for himself that he’s single, and through the wall he can hear Mikey moan and it’s gross. He scowls and watches Gerard feel up Frank against a car on the other side of the parking lot, then he hears a small giggle. He looks up, and there stands a tattooed angel, dark hair whisking in her face and a smile bright on her lips. She’s beautiful.

“Can I bum a smoke?” she asks, and their fingers brush when he hands her one. He watches her cheeks hollow in as she takes her first drag, and he thinks maybe Warped Tour doesn’t suck so much after all.

**The End.**

_______________________________________________


End file.
